Afterlife

               

Afterlife

On April 4th my father passed away from complications due to coronavirus. I rushed to New York driving alone for 11 hours to be here with family. To make sure that he would be laid to rest one way or another and to be there for my stepmom, brother and my younger siblings. 

After a painful ordeal I am now living with my stepmom and my younger siblings. 

I dream about my father and I share the dreams and I connect them to who he was and my relationship with him. Last night I dreamt we were dancing salsa. I suck at dancing salsa and I was afraid to do it in the dream but my father told me to try that it would be fine. We struggled but nailed every step. See my father was the one who taught me how to dance. Ironically not salsa of which I still only know the basic steps but merengue, tipico and bachata. Then I analyze his every word and action and wonder if there's a message. Maybe he's telling me not to be afraid , to take risks. See I've been thinking about going into school administration but I'm afraid I won't be a good enough leader. maybe this dream is his way of telling me that I should risk it because I will nail every step.

 We talk about him everyday sharing stories and laughing and recounting all the crazy tales like the time my dad killed a snake and ate it or how he was the most terrifying driving instructor of all time. Always making you go to the places you feared the most aka the highway. 

We talk about the plans we made with him that are now left up in the air. I wanted to take a road trip around the Dominican Republic with him. We had had a rocky relationship the last decade. I was thinking I would tell him all my secrets and explain myself and he would do the same and that through that trip we would somehow find our way to each other. 

Rushing off like this was hard because I left the comfort of my home, my dogs, my kitchen and my books behind. I don't know how long I'll be in New York but it's look like till the end of June possibly. I needed something to do for myself to help me cope I needed to read and write the two things that have always helped me in crisis. During my childhood when things got rough I wrote and read a lot. In high school during my first heartbreak I stopped going to lunch and instead went to the library to read Stephen King and took long train rides to Manhattan while reading my list of "classics" like The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.

I needed to do the same! I had commented this to a co-worker and she sent me a box of chocolates, books and a journal. She's a heaven sent. The Journal is now called" Los Recuerdos de mi Padre" where I write out all the memories with my father as they come. I'm afraid of forgetting him and my future children won't be able to meet him so writing down these memories make me feel like he's still living.

I picked up my first book decided to read "Afterlife" by Julia Alvarez. In Afterlife Antonia is recovering from her husband's death when she has to deal with a missing sister and an undocumented young girl who lands on her doorstep.

Somehow it felt fitting for this time. Throughout the novel Antonia starts to embody the best aspects of Sam. How generous and loving he was towards the people around him something that Antonia struggles with as she's all about taking care of herself first,  but it easily turns into just self preservation at the cost of doing the right thing. She wants Sam to come back but instead he lives through her as she begins to open her heart more and more the way he would. 

My father was such a happy person. He was full of life, always telling a joke, always willing to lend a hand and always with a bottle in hand and music in the air. I wanted him to take care of his health and slow it down but if he had he wouldn't have been him. I couldn't save him, I couldn't change him and that's ok.

"Death does not wound us without, at the same time, lifting us toward a more perfect understanding of this being and of ourselves'

I finally understood that he was just trying to be happy in the ways he loved and knew how. He was living life in his own terms. He was happy and he had a lot of fun, he lived a fulfilling life in that sense.

If there is one thing I want to embody of my father is that. I want to have more fun and live life on my own terms. My favorite picture of me and my dad is one where were drinking together, sharing a toast and that's how I'll always remember him. I toast to you Papi may you keep bringing joy to people in heaven.