Ni de Aqui ni De Alla/ I'm not from here or from there

Ni de Aqui ni De Alla/ I'm not from here or from there

Last weekend I went to The First Annual Dominican Writer's Conference in City College, New York. I was really excited to go for two main reasons. The first one is that we need more Dominican writers. The two most recognizable Dominican writers are Julia Alvarez and Junot Diaz. While their novels are amazing and really touch on different aspects of what being Dominican is; compared to the number of white writers, two is barely scratching the surface. I also think that there's so much about the Dominican experience that is not being told as well. As we evolve and change so do our experiences and those are stories that need to be told.  Granted while I was at the conference I discovered many more Dominican writers  like Angie Cruz,  Nelly Rosario, and Josefina Baez among many others. I am looking forward to reading these new books. My goal is to create almost like a syllabus that encompasses not only non fiction books about Dominican history like The Dominican Americans by Silvio Torres Saillant and Ramona Hernandez but also how literature has helped bring color to our history and  shed light on different aspects of what being Dominican is.

I also went there to feel at home again. There's this phrase that was mentioned by one of the speakers: "ni de aqui, ni de alla" which means I'm not from here or from there. It's a feeling I've felt most of my life. Like there is no place for me. I am not Dominican enough- having grown up in the USA and having a more worldwide view. I am a feminist, not affiliated to any religion and a liberal who celebrates the African blood flowing through my veins. DR is a patriarchy, ruled by christianity and still struggling with it's black identity. Visiting the island is always difficult because I feel like I can't be myself like I have to tone myself down to belong. My weight, my clothes, my language and all my activities seem to be scrutinized. Theres places I can't go alone because I'm a girl or things that I will be criticized for doing like asking a guy to dance. It's incomprehensible to them that at 32 I'm not married and don't have any children. I am more interested in my academic and work like accomplishments and pursuing my dreams then being someone's wife and mother. It's not that it's not a dream of mine but it is not my sole purpose. Pursuing my own personals dreams is.

 This is also an American thing. This expectation that women need to be married in their early twenties and having kids. I've recently become a solo traveler and you should see people's faces when I talk about my next trip and they ask me who I'm going with and I say I'm going alone. Or the incessant questions about who am I dating or when will I get married. Or being subtly told that I'm getting too old to have children. Being a woman is tough! Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like if I were a man and how I would just be labeled a "bachelor" and people would find me interesting, smart and strategic for taking my time to focus on my dreams. Well I am smart, strategic and interesting- I'm an enigma.  I want to be free from society's expectations of me. It's this clock counting down, ticking away with the weight of 20 tons on my back. I just want to be free and every day , every moment I'm working to break the links of the chain of oppression that I am tied to as a woman. But I digress.

 I also don't belong  in the USA, a country that often looks down and oppresses minorities through institutional racism and classism. I've had people question my ability to be an english teacher because of my accent and the fact that my first language is Spanish. This country is so racially divided it's impossible to exist as just a person. I am a different person but everyone's different.

So being surrounded by Dominican writers was medicine to my ailing soul. Un buen sancocho con arroz blanco y aguacate. This is what I am too. I belong somewhere or at least I am not alone in this feeling. I want my story to be told and only I can tell it. I want to see myself in the pages of a book. I want people to read it and tell me that they too have been there, have felt that way, have had those thoughts so that perhaps I won't feel so alone in my experience.

You know what I was thinking while I was sitting there reflecting on how strained my relationship with the island is? That I need to woman up because I am depriving myself of my own history and the connection with my Dominican culture that is missing from my life. most importantly that feeling of peace when I sit by the malecon staring out at the ocean smelling sea salt and feeling the strong wind gently caress my face. This lack of connection is a void in my heart.

I am committing myself to visiting the island every year and going somewhere new every time. I commit myself to reading more books by Dominican authors and buying those books full price. I commit myself to giving back to the island to helping children there like I am here. Lastly I commit myself to being ok with that feeling of ni de aqui ni de alla because somewhere between these two places there is home. Home is in our hearts and in the people who make homes. So lastly I'll be a Dominican writer and Dominican writers will also be my home. I'll be a Dominican American, a Dominicanyork and everyone who is this too is home. What I am is Dominicanish.